My first experience was Nirvana was not from their ground breaking album Nevermind, nor was it from MTV over playing the video Smells Like Teen Spirit, no my first experience with Nirvana was through Weird Al Yankovic’s song Smells Like Nirvana. I was, at the time, a classic rock fan, I had never been too impressed with modern music so I encountered most of it through satire. I would sit and wait for hours for the video of Smells Like Nirvana to air on MTV. Of course during that time I heard songs, like Come As You Are, In Bloom, and Smells Like Teen Spirit.

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I was just leaving Middle School when Nirvana hit the airwaves and I missed it. Of course when I found them, finally, they were the first band since Led Zeppelin or Queen to make any sense. Much of my music taste comes from hindsight, in fact, I missed most of it the first time, except the grunge. Once I found that style I never let go, even today I listen to 90’s stations frustrated with the lack of Nirvana. However, there is no doubt that Nirvana changed things for rock music. Glam Rock was reaching its panicle, men in sprayed on leather pants with hair do’s that cost more than most of my wardrobe were prancing back and forth on stage when Kurt Cobain stepped up in ratty jeans, old converse (from before they were popular), and a tee-shirt. From that point on, jeans and a tee-shirt were just fine for me, in fact even today I might just throw a blazer on top and go to work.

I remember hearing a story that when they made it big, Kurt was living in a van. Chris Novoselic said once, “We didn’t come to the mainstream, the mainstream came to us.” This one statement says volumes about the struggle that Nirvana and specifically Kurt Cobain felt about their success. This struggle along with the constant physical pain led Kurt to commit suicide, I remember coming home from school one day, turning on MTV like I often did, and read the scrolling words at the bottom of the screen, “Kurt Cobain has been found dead.” This was the first musician of my era to die, and I will never forget the feeling that day.

I was reminded of Nirvana the other day watching a rerun of the 2014 Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction. I sat with tears in my eyes during the opening clip, the tears stayed throughout the show. Michael Stipe called them “lightening in a bottle.” I agreed. I agreed when Dave Gohl and Chis Novoselic gave their short speeches, and I agreed as Joan Jett sung Smells Like Teen Spirit. I remember thinking about how I would react if I were to ever meet those two men. I imagine I would hug them with tears in my eyes and hope to God that it didn’t come off creepy. I couldn’t help but think about what they were to me, I think I spent most of the rest of my life dressing like Kurt Cobain. They exuded frustration, and that was how I felt so I showed it. Their music helped me give voice to feelings I couldn’t consider touching.

I never understood teen spirit (the spirit not the song), pep rallies never made sense to me. In hindsight I appreciated my high school but while I was there I stood counted with social exiles, I was home there. Through the years the music may have changed but the caliber of people didn’t. We were to the social minority, we didn’t want to be football stars, we didn’t play basketball, and we weren’t ashamed to be part of the marching band. Most of my good memories of high school took place in either the band room or the theater. My lunch was spent with all the “others,” because they weren’t afraid to come as they were.

I never owned Nevermind, I borrowed my brother’s cassette and over the years had a few dubs. I bought this a few months ago as soon as I found it, and as I listen to this record over and over again, I sing the songs, often without thought, the words are just there. Funny, the first time I actually bought this album was 2014 and 180 gram vinyl. Nirvana’s lightning in a bottle fueled my teenage years. Through dating, break-ups, and embarrassing moments, I found my voice while listening to the often ridiculous lyrics of Nirvana, lyrics so pure I never had to actually consider their meaning, mine was good enough. Spoke the alien, “Nevermind.”