Category Archives: Hobbies

My Mental Health Story

I am 42 years old, and I have been diagnosed with ADHD. Not only do I have ADHD, but I tested to have extreme ADHD. My ADHD was easy to miss when I was younger, because I am quirky, and I appear to be smart, and I seem to fit in with a neurotypical world. See, when I was a young adult in my 20’s I knew there was something wrong with me. I was filled with a desire to learn so much but couldn’t sit down to read most of the books I had to read.

Remember when I said I appeared to be smart? I graduated middle school with a C average, high school with a very low B average, college with a C average, and Seminary with a C average. But I looked smart, and I showed a reasonable command of the subject matter, so no one was really concerned. However, during Seminary I had my first panic attack, at least the first one I remember so, I took a step back from ministry and entered counseling to help me with what I would later understand was depression and anxiety.

After seminary, I entered a Clinical Pastoral Education (hospital chaplain) program where there were no grades, no tests, just experience, there was a lot of reading, processing, and group work, and I was more successful at that than at anything else in my life. In hindsight I know that is because the educational model of CPE is very neurodiverse. We are given multiple paths to learning, and I could even see this. I realized I need to read, watch, listen, and experience to really learn something.

I was in my 30’s when I was fired for the first time because my mouth often moved faster than my brain. I made an honest statement that was inconsistent with the culture of the organization for which I worked, regarding the role of chaplaincy. Two weeks later, I no longer worked there, and that was the first time I hit rock bottom. I remember posting online, “I have never been so full of emptiness.” I found myself homeless surfing couches and going back and forth between jobs and government assistance. Though I got through that, it left me with post traumatic stress.

This PTS would go on to entrench me in depression and anxiety for all the years hence. I would find different ways to relive that trauma over and over again. The most recent time during the Covid Crisis, but I’m jumping ahead. I could generally keep my depression and anxiety at bay and finally found a faith that made more sense to me. And though faith is a balm for a weary and broken soul, it is not often the only necessary medicine.

Years after completing the long process of fellowship with my new faith, I found myself deeply entrenched in depression again. I looked up from a sermon after a panic attack and said, “Why am I preaching about depression again?” I had always been a proponent of medication for mental illness, for other people. I never realized that I would have to fight myself to become a proponent of medication for my mental illness.

Once medicated life returned to normal, I wasn’t sad all the time, but I still found myself hyper focusing on trauma and anxiety from the past. When the Anxiety got too bad, I would find a different hobby, and I would hyper focus on that hobby so that I could continue to work, then when that hobby stopped being new I found something else. Of course, I wouldn’t trade that experience for anything. I had the opportunity to become a cyclist, a hiker, a vintage computer guy, and a game master. In fact, I still love those things.

But when the pandemic hit many of my coping mechanisms dried up. I no longer had Sunday Service where I would cut up with teens, I didn’t have the energy to hike or cycle. I watched people play down the corona virus and I began to isolate, I felt completely alone. Then the financial issues started, the AC went out in the summer, the refrigerator a few months later, the dryer before all that. My half time career, (which working half time always causes me internal shame) was not cutting it financially, and it constantly felt like we were a month from losing our house. But I couldn’t figure out what was different.

During that time my depression and anxiety put my job in jeopardy, I was having multiple anxiety attacks a day. I had gained 50 pounds and hurt all the time. I felt alone, and began to feel paranoid, and I had my very first nervous breakdown. When I look back to that time I shudder, because I was in a pit, and I couldn’t get out. Then we had to put down two dogs, the first we expected and the second we didn’t.

I had already called my doctor, he had already doubled my medication, which is probably why I am still here today. But I was still having regular panic attacks. I think I might have burned a lot of bridges during that time, and I think a lot of people were worried about me, but very few of them said anything in a way I could understand, I think most people just tried to avoid me. By this time, I was very publicly saying, “I’m not ok.” But I didn’t know what to do with that.

Over time, medication, and therapy I began to find my way out. I became ok, but I was still exhausted all the time, I still focused on gloom and doom all day, I still struggled to work, and my therapist, reminding me I was depressed also mentioned ADHD.

Through her office I took a test. I remember the therapist asking, “Do you have a problem with losing track of conversations?”

I said, “I have a story about that!” I began to tell a tangential story, then after a few minutes said, “Wait, what was the question?” Apparently, I had answered the question. It turns out my level of ADHD was in the “Extreme” range. Over the years, my ADHD, along with the anxiety, depression, and trauma magnified each other. The isolation of the pandemic exacerbated the issue. It became a perfect storm of despair. I think if not for my wife and step-children along with a few very good friends and a therapist, I would have become lost in myself, because what happens after your already broken, do you become more broken, or do you return to dust?

I take medication now for my depression, anxiety, and ADHD, and see my therapist regularly. I have multiple colleagues that I reach out to on a regular basis and always have somewhere to check in, and for the first time in a long time, I feel joy. I believe I can accomplish things again, and I’m not exhausted. I am beginning to embrace my new label, neurodivergent, because why would anyone want to be typical?

You may be wondering why I am choosing to share this now. Because I know I am not alone. I am a neurodivergent living in a neurotypical world, and that feels lonely. I am also telling this story because there aren’t enough people in leadership who do. We still live in a world that stigmatizes mental illness and I wonder, if more leaders would share their stories, would more people get help.

The hardest thing to learn is that mental illness is an illness like any other, and no one should avoid treatment because of the people who don’t understand. I also think it is important to note that it isn’t anyone’s fault that this happened to me, or that I am like this, not my parents, my family, or any other relationships, and it is nothing to be ashamed of.

So in my final word, you don’t have to be alone.

Spiritual Practice At Home: An Introduction

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At the beginning of the pandemic, I started baking bread. Since that time I have collected many of the receipes in a small binder, being the person I am, I wrote an introduction to that Binder, this is that introduction.

I was with my grandmother one afternoon; I am not sure where we were going but we meandered by Jones St. Outside of Wheeling West Virginia to the apartment she and my grandfather lived in when they were first married. She told me rent was 30 dollars, 15 to be paid twice a month. She talked about the months when there wasn’t enough money or work to go around. In these times she would say to my grandfather, “I can’t afford food and rent, what should I do?”

He responded saying, “Pay the rent, buy flour, and I will make bread.”

I don’t remember much about this context, I don’t remember why we were talking about it, but the strangest thing I do remember while listening to her, is that she told this story as if she were reliving every moment in her head. She wasn’t sad , or angry about it, she was simply thoughtful.

My grandmother had a pantry, full of canned vegetables, fruits, and all other things necessary to survive. Today a “prepper” might call it a 6-month pantry, she just called it the basement. They grew their own food, canned their own vegetables, and once a year made a giant batch of applesauce. If I were to ask her why they did it all I am sure she wouldn’t understand the question she would just say something like, “That’s just what we did.” I know looking back, that she grew up during the great depression, and that the memories of hard times were burned into her being, she came from a generation that truly understood that all jobs, money, and security were passing. What held her together, was her family, her faith, and trust that even if the worst happened, she was not alone.

I don’t think my generation understood that, and I don’t know if the generation before me did either. But the generation that are children now… they may know better than ever, life can be turned upside down in an instant, and in moments systems can fail. I wonder if they will be more like my grandparents, I wonder if they will have pantries full of home-grown vegetables, and applesauce.

When the nation went under quarantine for Covid-19 I thought about my grandmother as I read through Facebook and saw someone post a recipe to make a sourdough starter. I had time and I didn’t have anywhere to go. So I thought of my grandmother’s story and my grandfather’s words, “Pay the rent, buy flour, and I will make bread.” But I never asked Grandma while she was alive, so I had to learn now, how to bake bread.

These recipes did not come from Grandma, they came from the internet and from friends. They are my process to baking bread.

Chewing and the Art of Biting off Too Much.

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Like many of you the most recent pandemic has been very difficult for me. I learned a lot about myself, most of which is that I was not prepared to live though a pandemic. During this time, I often found that I was keeping myself busy. During times like this I often learn something new and continue to work through older things I’ve learned. Basically, I pick up hobbies. I did find however, that through quarantine I struggled with my depression and anxiety. And just in case you are curious, I don’t bare shame about my depression and anxiety. In fact, I am open about them. I choose, as a minister and all-around human being, to be open about them because of social stigma around mental health. Mental health is no different than any other health issue, in fact the refusal to practice self-care around mental health exacerbates other issues you may have. But that isn’t the topic I have chosen for today.

As a religious person, I try to practice spirituality, you might have heard this called spiritual practice. One of the ways I do this is through living authentically. Jean-Paul Sartre once said, “My life and my philosophy are one and the same.” When I consider spiritual practice, I think of Brother Lawrence and Saint Therese Lafleur. I think of my life lived as spiritual practice, also what makes me feel alive. The biggest thing that helps me through difficult time is throwing myself into something I’ve never done and learning a moderate proficiency in it. Often these are the things I post about in my blogs. The problem is that during the pandemic I started to learn a lot of different things, and the one thing I didn’t feel like was processing those things spiritually.

I had plans, during the pandemic do write about my Commodore 64, but before I could I started baking. I actually prepared some articles on the baking but before them I threw myself into a live action role playing game called “Call of Cthulhu.” I was considering an article on that, when I began to work on my ham radio license.

While all this was happening, I lost two canine members of the family, you may have seen my post about Princess, two weeks later we lost our friend Gizmo, he was a shock, his death broke me. Oh and there was work, adapting the church to a fully online model took a lot of time. I no longer just though about how to have a service, but how to do it livestreaming and archiving legally.

However, having said all of that, I hope to still add posts about bread baking, my Commodore 64, RPG, Ham Radio, spirituality, and even my friend Gizmo. I am beginning to feel renewed, let’s hope for a while.

Ramblings From the Black Creek Trail, Mississippi

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Black Creek Trail Sign: that is my finger in the lower right hand corner… GoPro’s are small.

I thought it important, to sit down and write my thoughts before they become too distant from my current state.

I completed a thru-hike of the Black Creek Trail just south of Hattiesburg Mississippi outside of a little town called Brooklyn. I have to admit, the hike didn’t start the way I’d hoped, and some of the emotional struggles were not part of my planning. We started late, we had later starting times every day and I was in constant fear of not finishing. On every crossing and every hole, I saw the opportunity for failure with a twisted ankle, a slip, and at one point a bite from a diamondback rattler. But I finished, I finished with the original members of my party. Even through much disagreement and frustration with each other we crossed the finish line together, we did that because we committed to one another silently, that when we started this journey we would end it together.

This snake looked me in the eyes and told me to stop complaining.

I remember while hiking the trail thinking, “I feel miserable, and I wish I’d never started.” On the last day while we were heading toward my car (to which I now call, My Blue Heaven) every step felt as though, in the moment my foot hit the ground, a hammer hit the bottom of my foot. The blisters tell me that I am not ready for an Appalachian Trail Thru-Hike, the pain from my feet tell me that I have more work to do. And in the moment, I ask, “Is this even worthwhile, coming out to hike just trying to get home?”

However, the problem with deciding “to never do this again,” while on the trail is, that feeling pales, in hindsight, to the feeling of finishing, the feeling of euphoria that drives me to get into these “messes,” in the first place. The problem is, now I know I can hike 13 miles in a day, and I know the peace of sleeping next to a rushing river in the cold.

When I came home last night I sat quietly in front of an off television and a computer that had yet to be turned on. My mind clearer than it had been in a long time. I sat and looked my record player considering playing a record, but then remembering the silence of the wilderness. My phone that had been off for 4 days now sprung to life, and with every beep and message I was afraid I would lose the peace of not knowing what to do next. But I didn’t lose that peace… at least, not yet…

I understand why many philosophers and physicians agree that nature can be helpful to stress. Because in the wilderness the concern is not a board meeting, a financial report, or a reading list, it’s practicing the necessary self-care to simply, “Get to the next campsite.” By the last night, sleeping in the woods, I began to dream again. The night would fly by, I wouldn’t wake up multiple times, I had worn myself out during the day, and was in a tech blackout, the only light was from the campfire built by our camping guru, and the stars reminding us how small we are.

Left to Right
Paul, Micah, Justin

We all had our purpose on the hike, the peacemaker, the naturalist, and me, the logistician. I knew the map of the trail and had done more research than necessary but even in that time had forgotten the map of the human heart. Micah did that. While Paul made sure every sight in which we slept was warm and comfortable.

Today I sit on the far end of a goal I set for myself three years ago when I began to get healthy. I spent three years, the planner I am, gathering gear, reading trail guides and searching for partners, but now that day is over. Life in the modern world calls me. I hope I can carry this peace for a week before I am back to the ball of anxiety that everyone knows and love.

But even if I can’t, today I know peace, and that makes the misery of wilderness worthwhile.

Black Creek Trail, Brooklyn Mississippi

Mississippi Fall

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I can feel it in my gut, that muggy air
As my tires kiss the road beneath me

The oppressive wrench, like a blanket
as my mouth bites that, which was once beneath my tires

I can’t see you, but I hear… You call for my stillness
You seek to shackle me against that which I don’t belong

Your knee in my back you quiet me…
My eyes down making no contact

My arms are still in the wind, but nothing helps
As the sweat runs down my body…

I fear in my distance that I should never see my home again
I fear in my heart those I love will see me gone

But I make it home, because my path is Straight
and I am White in my iniquities like a Mississippi Snow.

Playing Tricks and Wasting Film

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I spent a lot of time this week playing tricks with my camera, actually a lot of time trying to shoot double exposures. In fact, I have a lot of pictures that are completely black or completely white, and more where I can barely make out the target.

However, lets just look at some basic pictures, I am continuing to work on light levels.

UUChurchSign01

But Like I lost most of my film trying to double expose. With my camera the way I double expose I by opening the loading bay at the bottom of the camera to keep the picture from advancing through the rollers. I had some great early shots.

Zeppelin Four and Me

This is me appearing to Star Lord in a vision.

I have to admit that these shots were fun, I thought I had the hang of the process so I took these shots next. My face is a lot more clear in the second picture but I think it worked. Neat thing about this film, often when it doesn’t work it still looks cool. There is often something special about the picture, even when they don’t come out right. After these pictures came out so well I tried the ones below the next day.

Taken at the Unitarian Universalist Church of Jackson

Supposed to be a Chalice over a Brass Tree

So obviously I don’t have the hang of it. These wash outs are amazingly bad. I have a few ideas about the problem, but at the end of the day I don’t really know. I know that I have an entire cartridge of completely washed out pictures from attempted double exposures, and completely blacked out photos from my attempts at mirror selfies (none of the mirror selfies worked).

But there is no reason to end this post with wash outs and overly dark photos so here are some fun pictures . I played with the light/dark settings on the camera. I can’t say I like one of these pictures over the other, actually I am not sure if I really “like” either of them. On the left side the Minecraft figure is in focus but the candles wash, on the right the candles look great but the Minecraft figure is out of focus. But hey, what can you do?

Just some candles and Minecraft.

Fuzzy Minecraft guy

I think I will get some color film next time. It may help with the double exposures, but if anyone has any feedback let me know.

Playing Photography

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One major drawback to Polaroid photography, is the expense. I ran out of film quickly last time and had to wait longer than I would have liked, before ordering more. Then after ordering, it seems like it took forever for the film to actually make it to Mississippi. I really liked the look of the Black and White 2.0 film so that is all I am using right now. I am not done with color but I may wait until they upgrade the color film to 2.0, besides I am loving the Black and White.

Many of my photos were of family members, my daughters, my niece, my wife, however, you will be seeing my other photos, as I said in my last post I think my family would be extremely perturbed to find their pictures showing up on my blog.

This post will focus on the lessons I have learned since last time, and the lessons I learn while taking the pictures. Sadly, it takes a lot of pictures to get the feel of the camera, and each picture develops and costs.

My goal is to explain what I did different and how I tried to make the photo better. Writing it out helps me learn. I would also appreciate any feedback.

I have lots of hats

Really I have lots of hats

I noticed that when using Black and White film, white becomes really white and dark becomes black. I also noticed that the camera had a slide bar to indicate how close or far away from the target I am standing. For the first picture on the left, I was looking to shoot the books behind the hat rack however and the only thing I could see was my big Panama Hat. To get closer to my intended photo, I chose removed the Panama Hat and added one with a little bit more texture, I actually changed multiple hats. I also decided that I should back up and I slid the indicator that identifies when I am further from the target.

I really liked the way it turned out for the second shot, I saw the background I was looking for and even got a ghostly globe hanging out over the light. I am not sure if it was just the distance and change in hat that helped the picture, I will have to experiment with the slide bar indicating distance.

The Fireplace at the Koinonia Coffee House in Jackson, MS.

I took this picture after a meeting I was attending in Jackson, MS with a Catholic and ECLA Priest. I love this fireplace at the Koinonia Coffee House in West Jackson. I stopped before leaving to take this picture. I get very self-conscious when I use any camera but my phone, I feel a little exposed. Immediately some of the older patrons took note of my Polaroid, the Catholic Priest said, “That thing should be in a museum.” I chuckled. However, all the Millennials wanted to hear about the Impossible Project. I suppose over time I will be less self-conscious about public picture taking, but right now, my introversion comes out, sadly that makes me miss good opportunities.

I really needed to practice outside, and already feeling a little over exposed I just came home looking things to shoot, which brings me these pictures. After the washouts of the past I took some advice from various websites, and rigged a shield so that the picture would be covered immediately. It worked like a charm.

Gizmo and Torn Up Baseball

I was walking through my backyard looking for something special, and I found this really neat baseball, it had been run over with my lawn mower and should have probably been thrown away but, I thought it might be fun to try and pick up the texture of the ball with the camera. However, when I began to frame it Gizmo, our Shelty walked up and sniffed the ball. I snapped the picture right away. I was pleasantly surprised to see the picture, I didn’t get the picture I wanted I got something better.

I love the shadow from the chairs and the white fur offset by the almost mocha shade of the brown. I wondered if the picture would come out better had I been in the shade so I tried to replicate it but Gizmo refused to cooperate.

Gizmo Refusing to Cooperate.

Gizmo must have known that the first picture was great and I just needed another nice picture, so he stood very still while I took this one.

I am really enjoying this hobby. I don’t know what to do with all the pictures, though. I am beginning to amass quite a pile. I notice that I look over them often while I listen to records. Actually I most often look over the pictures of my family. There is something special about analogue photography and analogue music together.

I hope you enjoy, and seriously, feedback please!!!

Playing With a Polaroid

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I enjoy having as many different hobbies as I can fit into my life, and though that means I may never become a pro at any one of them it does mean that I always have something to work on, and I will never get bored.

So, like every other free thinking human in the world I thought, “Let’s try photography,” and I figured if I am going to do it I might as well keep it analog. Actually my interest came after we bought my daughters the new Fujifilm Instamax cameras (if you have never seen one they look like marshmallows and take really nice pictures). I knew that Polaroid stopped making 600 film in the early 2000’s but wondered if anyone else was making it, then I read about the impossible project.

Now before you look at any pictures I want you all to understand I am not a photographer, so don’t hold me to that standard. However, I have been having fun.

I found this Polaroid Impulse camera and learned that the Impossible Project makes the old 600 film. I am not going to go over the history of the Impossible Project however, if you are playing with old Polaroids they offer film. Currently they offer basic color film, black and white, and black and white 2.0. I have found the black and white 2.0 film the best. I look forward to 2.0 color film coming out someday.

After taking my pictures I scanned them into my computer with my HP scanner. Often I just snap a picture with my phone to post to Instagram but in this case I thought that scanning would be better.

Obviously I was going to practice on things I loved, so here is some of my beloved audio gear. I love the black and white film, I feel like it holds the dichotomy of the joy of moving forward and the somberness of loss.

Downtown Fondren in Jackson Mississippi

Of course there is also color film and a whole outside world of which to take pictures. My wife commented when I showed her this picture that it looked like the 70’s. And as you look to the picture below, forgive my over saturation, I am new at this. I have also learned that with this film I need to shield the picture from the light as soon as it prints (I mean AS SOON AS IT PRINTS) otherwise I get this.

Fondren Building in Jackson Mississippi

Which is cool but, I would like be able to see the building.

Now this one below is very special to me.

Altar at the Unitarian Universalst Church in Jackson Mississippi.

I love the black and white with the religious symbols. It was neat to see the glare coming off the glass and the way it reflected onto the wall. There is something in the mistakes that makes this picture beautiful. After taking this pic I realized I really enjoy this hobby. I have other favorite pictures, in fact one of the best I have taken is of my daughter, however I imagine that she would be embarrassed to know her face showed up on a blog.

Like I said pictures of things I love.

But before I let you go, I will add this picture. I took it with a Fujifilm Instamax 210, and though my heart will always beat for the vintage camera, the film is much more affordable and prints more clearly.

Thank you for checking out my foray into picture taken (I don’t know if I would say I am doing photography).

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Welcome to my broke down Palace

Category Archives: Hobbies

My Mental Health Story

Spiritual Practice At Home: An Introduction

Chewing and the Art of Biting off Too Much.

Ramblings From the Black Creek Trail, Mississippi

Mississippi Fall

Playing Tricks and Wasting Film

Playing Photography

Playing With a Polaroid